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Posts Tagged ‘knitt’

The dreaded D

Yep, I have been out of touch for awhile.  There has been a lot on my plate to deal with, and I haven’t been dealing with it very well.  Down 20 pounds, and really can’t afford to lose the weight (down to 100), plus the addition of two anxiety meds as well as my pain meds being increased.  But  there is some good news to go along with all of this.  Seeing as most people ask for bad news first, we’ll start there.

As most know, I have been married for almost four years.  I am wife number three.  I have two stepsons, the oldest I have been around since he was five and the youngest since he was 8 months old.  I tried to be the best stepmom ever, trying harder to make a stable environment with structure and love.  For my youngest, it was easy, as he didn’t know any different from having two moms and a dad.  For my oldest, it was harder–he knew what it was like when his parents were married, and now there was someone new that he had to treat like a mom.  It has gone ok, but there have been problems.  Mostly the problems come from my marriage, though.

My husband is not a nice person.  For years I have blamed his father for that; he is a horrible man that is very verbally abusive.  My husband has always said he does not want to be like his father, but sadly he is just like him.  He has no patience, a very volitile temper, and is miserable–never happy unless everyone around him is miserable, too.  It has gotten worse as the years have gone by, and I have finally reached my breaking point.  I teach the cycle of abuse, as mentioned in my last post.  Just like almost every other victim, I made excuses all the time for his behavior, always saying he will change, saying that he is sorry after he treats me so badly and does all he can to make it up.  Towards the middle of October, that changed.  He said things that I won’t forget, and won’t make excuses for.  Things like he hates me, doesn’t like me, isn’t attracted to me, that I am a waste of space, the most cruel person he knows, a bitch, etc.  I realized then that when he goes on rants like that, I cry and beg for another chance, saying I will be better.  It took me a few years, but I realize now that it isn’t me.  I will say there is a small part–very small–that is me and my personality, but not enough to trigger this amount of extreme hatred.  After looking at this from a perspective of someone investigating a domestic abuse situation rather than from the first person point of view, several things popped out.  His past with his dysfunctional family.  The fact he had two previous wives.  The switching of personality, from happy and nice hubby to the mean and cruel man.  I can say from a psychological point of view that he has a high probability of being bipolar and hates women.  But like most abusers (not all, but most), no one thinks he is capable of being what I say he is.  They see him as a laid back, super nice guy that would go out of his way to help someone.  To someone’s face, he is that. But as soon as the person is out of earshot, he will tear them apart. 

To make a long story shorter (because this post is already long, and only going to get longer), I finally told my parents what was going on, something he thinks I would never do (my parents are not fond of divorce–but they love me, and always support my decisions).  Both agreed that I need to get a divorce.  That’s when things really got rolling.  It was going to wait until January, but got pushed up because he made a threat.  All the paperwork is now done, and just waiting to give it to him.  I don’t want any more conflict; I just want (and need) out. He still doesn’t know, and won’t know until the day it happens.  *sigh*  This all happens tomorrow.  I am stressed and scared, but thankful that my friends and family have been so supportive.  I don’t know what I would have done without them.  Thank you to all who have listened–I really appreciate it.  🙂

Ok, on to the good news.  My friend Sam and his wife had their baby last week!  I finally had finished the blanket for them and it made it there in time.  🙂  It was the color of the nursery–something I hadn’t planned–so that was good luck, too!!  Sam posted some pictures, and I was so thrilled to see baby Jack wrapped in the blanket I made at the hospital! 

Baby Jack's blanket--finally finished!!

I was honored that they brought it with them, and so happy that it has found such a loving home. 

Over the past year and two months, my department has been planning a conference for the Texas Association of College and University Police Administrators (TACUPA).  At first, I didn’t understand why on earth we were starting the planning so early.  By the time that the conference rolled around, I completely understood.  No matter how much we planned, there were still things that went wrong.  We were able to keep most of it hidden, and we were all proud of that.  But I will write another post about the conference…under the emergency management tab.  🙂  Hopefully I can get that done today, too!!

Until later, hope everyone has a happy holidays!!  Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, and continues to be there for me.  I am very blessed to have such wonderful friends. One more day…and hopefully things go smoothly.  Wish me luck.  🙂

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