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Have you ever noticed that life is full of cycles?  I am sure everyone has–moon cycles, women being graced with their cycles, life cycles…abuse cycles.

At work, I also teach.  It is not in my job description, but it is something I do for ME.  I know I have talked about it before, but I go to freshman classes on the campus and talk about emergency management, personal safety and sexual assault.  Lately, I have added H1N1 to my topics to talk about, mostly because the university is sitting at about a 10% absenteeism at this point (and flu season in Texas hasn’t technically started–it isn’t supposed to start til January and go through March).  I bring this up because people who have gone through a traumatic event such as rape have the tendency to get into a cycle of their own.  Some get into a cycle remembering–I know that I go through a point every year for about a month where my nerves are frayed and am plagued with nightmares of my rape around the anniversary, but other times I am ok unless there is a trigger.  Then the cycle begins again for a bit.  Others get into a cycle of abuse.  I am not saying by any means that it is on purpose, it’s just something that happens.  Some may end of finding people in their lives who keep them feeling like they did before–with no choices, the bottom of the bottom, not worth the attention of anyone except the one they are with.  Those are the ones who are good–really good–at making excuses.  Excuses for bruises, for moods, for crying, and especially excuses for their significant other’s behavior.  It becomes ingrained, because it is beaten in (verbally and/or physically) that the victim “deserves” what they are getting. 

Anyway, every semester I come across 2-4 students that have had something happen to them, and are looking for some sort of support.  I am more than happy to help out, especially since I was very fortunate to have support when it happened to me.  By telling my story to these students, it raises awareness and also shows those who have been victims that they are not alone.  Over 1000 have heard my story, and I don’t plan on stopping.  But recently I came across a cycle of someone who is very important to me.  She is married, and he is verbally abusive.  She has always made excuses for his behavior, and finally she realized what she was doing.  There’s usually a breaking point, and I believe she finally hit hers.  I am happy that she figured it out, and happier yet that she is going to leave him.  It isn’t happening now, but she has planning to do.  Considering he is in the “nice” and “apologetic” phase of the cycle, she is pretty confident that for now there is nothing to worry about–and he has never hit her, so that is also a good thing.  However, if there were to be a turn and he goes back to being mean and cruel, she is prepared to leave.  I know how hard it is, and I am so proud of her.  🙂

Another cycle–life.  A very close friend of mine, Sam, and his wife are expecting a baby boy in December.  Wonderful news for them, and he is so excited!  🙂  I am thrilled for them.  Being a first time father, Sam is nervous and excited.  I have been working since this summer on a blanket for them, another pinwheel, but all I have left is the edging–it is so repetitive, I can’t do it for long stretches of time.  360 rows of garter stitch…ug.  The blanket is beautiful and soft, and I REALLY need to get it done.  December is not that far away!!!

As for my cycle–I know I have been talking about getting pregnant for months, and all the trials and bumps that I have been going through.  The cyst in August led to the diagnosis of PCOS in September, and this month ruptured two more.  I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am just going to not be a mom in the biological sense.  It is sad, and I wish differently, but there isn’t much for me to do otherwise.  Maybe sometime down the road when IVF becomes affordable.  🙂  I am not going to let it get me down, tho.  If it is meant to happen, it will.  But I am stopping the fertility drugs–I don’t know if that is what is causing the cysts to rupture.  Besides, the hot flashes are terrible on those meds!!

I do want to get back into the cycle of my loom knitting.  I have some awesome new looms I got for my birthday that I need to work on–I want to have a blanket knitted for my cousin when she marries in January, but I don’t know if I am going to get that done.  In my defense, I have started it.  Afghans are just so BIG, and I don’t have the time to just sit and knit.  I need to make the time, as I am sure that it will do wonders for relaxation and destressing a bit.  🙂  The past few weeks have been pretty stressful, and I need a break.

DH has been feeling bad for quite some time, getting hospitalized in the beginning of Sept.  He thought it was a heart attack (his best friend of 36 years had just died of one at age 39), but it turned out to be gallstones.  He postponed the surgery up until last week–the pain had been getting worse with the progression of time.  Sure enough, it was really bad, but he got through the surgery just fine last Thursday.  He’s off until next Monday, but will go back to work with limited duties.  He was going to have the surgery that Monday (10/19), but I was not going to be able to make it since I had a job interview….

Yep, another job interview.  No, it wasn’t because I was unhappy with my current job.  Actually Chief was the one who sent me the notice for the job opening (it is still a university job).  I was reluctant to apply for several reasons–I love working for the PD (not to metion, I wanted to work for them for 10 years before I got hired), I love working with my partner (slash best friend), and I love what I do.  No, it isn’t the highest paying job, but I do love it.  The new job, however, is my job plus…I would be travelling to other universities and teaching them how to do what I do.  I would also have a new partner, also from law enforcement.  It is three to four times what I am making now, 50%+ overnight travel, and all about higher education emergency management.  I talked to DH first to see what he thought, and he said it would be extremely stupid to pass up this opportunity.  Then, I reluctantly brought it up to Robert.  I was scared of his reaction, but he took it well–and wrote a letter of recommendation.  Chief also wrote one, as did the county emergency management coordinator and the vice president of my division.  I applied.  And on the 9th, I got a phone call to schedule my interview.  I was SO excited!!  I was getting my hair cut, so it wasn’t an opportune time to bounce around, but inside I was doing a happy dance.  I had 10 days to prepare.

You see, I had to do a 5-7 minute powerpoint presentation in front of the hiring board.  THAT had me scared.  I knew the people over in the department I was applying at, and some are quite intimidating.  So those 10 days I worked and researched and put together what I thought was a really good presentation (it could be over either public safety or higher education emergency management–I chose EM).  I went to the interview, and prepared for it by making packets for the board (usually 5-7 people) containing my FEMA and other EM certificates, copies of my letters of recommendation, copy of my resume and cover letter, and a copy of my powerpoint presentation so they could take notes.  I thought it was reasonable.  So I was pretty surprised when there were only three people on the board, two of which I knew and have worked with many times in the past two years.  After doing some catching up, I passed out the packets and got ready for the questions.  However, only two minutes into the questions, the power went out.  A very loud beeping came from the exit signs, which seriously threw me off for a few minutes.  We did continue the interview in the dark (mostly, had some light from a window), and I think I did pretty good for the questions.  Then it was time for my presentation, but we still had no power.  Kinda hard to do a computer presentation when there is no power.  🙂  They were going to cut the interview short and have my come back later when there was power, but I remembered that I had printed out the presentation and could do it from my handouts.  They were very impressed, as it showed that I was more than prepared for anything that could happen.  I did my presentation, did it in the time allowed, but still had some disappointment since I wasn’t able to show off my presentation.  I did end up emailing it to one of the board, so eventually they did see it.  As for now, I am in a holding position.  I don’t know anything at this point, but I do know they submitted the name on Monday.  It’s in committee.  HOPING to know by Friday.  They want this position–and the partner position–to begin on November 15.  Crossing my fingers!!! 

Ok…guess I have rambled long enough…happy almost Thursday, everyone!!

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Well, I think I am going to start with the “Friday Fill-in” first…

1. Oh, I am so _tired_ !

2. _Pain_ changes, big and little.

3. During _work today_, I _am hoping that I hear the final word on my job at lunch with Chief…_.

4. _”Stepmoms aren’t real parents”_; are you kidding me??? (I have been hearing that A LOT lately)

5. Right now I’d like to be _in bed, happily asleep_.

6. _My Blackberry (I know, I know)_ is my favorite gadget.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to _relaxing on the couch and catching up on my shows_, tomorrow my plans include _having company for dinner_ and Sunday, I want to _study so I am ready for classes next week_!

It’s been a busy week.  It was the first week of classes, we had the new president sworn into office, Trooper got fixed, and I started the first of my two classes that I am taking this semester.  Only four (pretty sure of that) more until I graduate after these two!  I decided to retake a psychology course called Sensation and Perception that I failed (to ever show up for) many years ago, and a sociology course in Criminology.  Since classes started on Tuesday, I only attended one class–Criminology–this week, as my other class is on Monday nights.  I will say that the class is very interesting.  The professor started the class with going around the room to make introductions–we all had to state our name, where we were from, what our race is, and a crime that we have committed.  Considering what I do, I wasn’t too happy with the last part of the introduction speech.  I did choose to keep my profession quiet, and only admitted to a “crime” that I know is on record–when I ran over someone (and no, didn’t kill him; I just bumped him and he scratched his leg.  They said they wouldn’t sue, declined medical assistance, but then decided to sue three weeks later from Mexico claiming a lot of BS…needless to say, I was pissed…but that’s another story).  All in all, I think I am going to enjoy the class, but hope that he at least gives us a break in the middle (it is a 3 hour night course); he didn’t this last time, and by the time we got out of class I was in an immense amout of pain and decided to recover the next day instead of going to work.  Afterall, for now I am still a student worker. 

Trooper got fixed on Tuesday.  I was so sure that that was the best plan since he has been marking things in the house, is quite aggressive, and keeps tearing up things (usually things that are mine).  When he brought him home I felt terrible…Trooper was doped up and looked so sad.  His ears were down and tail was down, whimpering, and I held him the entire evening, giving him his pain meds at 8pm.  The next day he was still unhappy and hurting, and I knew that I wouldn’t be getting home until late and felt bad about leaving him.  Turns out he was much better but knew that I would baby him if he acted hurt.  He’s absolutely fine now, bouncing around, playing, and back to normal.  Just really hoping that he will calm down on the “marking territory” and chewing up my things!

I made the decision to knit at least 50 hats for donation to an area hospital for NICU.  Tonigjht I will finish at least 5, maybe six.  There was a great sale at Michaels on the softest yarn, and I had to get some.  Turned out just perfect for these little hats!!  I have been itching to knit more, and have some wonderful yarns I want to play with.  I am looking to knit a shawl later, maybe some yoga leggings (even tho I don’t do yoga)…just something different.  You can only knit so many scarves and hats, you know?  🙂  But still, I want to do something more complicated, so this fits in that category.

Tomorrow we are having friends over for BBQ.  I am looking quite forward to it, especially since we haven’t seen these friends since September or October.  It is going to be a great menu with great people.  I need this relaxing…next week is going to be nuts!!  I’m going to try to alleviate some of the stress by making a schedule…lists always seem to help….  🙂

Anyway, hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend.  To my dear friend, hang in there.  It will get easier.  I’ll always be here for you!!  Just remember, you are stronger than you think you are.  Nothing will be dealt to you that you can’t handle, even if you need some help along the way.

*hugs*

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1. Please feel free to _talk to me!  I am here to listen_.
2. When I _set out fall candles_ I can’t help sniffing it occasionally.
3. My favorite thing to cook is _braised beef ribs_.
4. _Loom knitting_ is something I can’t get enough of.
5. That’s the thing I love most about _Lost–it’s an addicting show!_.
6. _The ex_ always makes me think to myself, what the heck?
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to _going to sleep_, tomorrow my plans include _studying_ and Tuesday I want to _pass my Psych test_!

The first full week of being on my own at work flew by.  It was so busy, so stressful, I was wondering just how I was going to make it.  A flurry is how it is best described.  There was a major high point to the week–we had a meeting with the State Auditors and I was finally able to meet some people I have become close to on the phone, just never had the opportunity to meet.  Mostly due to distance, but some also due to lack to time and scheduling.  It was great to see them and be able to put a face with a voice.  Otherwise, I was able to learn a lot more about what I do and how to get it done.  I was thankful for being that busy…it’s awfully quiet down in my office alone.

This weekend, after attending my class, I forced myself to relax.  Stress was beginning to wear me down, and I needed to calm down and get my focus back.  I worked on my Christmas presents for the family, and got a few things done.  I finished another soap sack, and am working on the washcloth and a pair of slippers.  I think the pattern for the slippers is great, but it takes more time than some of the other patterns.  Now, time is of the esence, so I might just switch to a different pattern…have to get these done!!

School is going ok…I am still behind in one of my classes, but I have an idea how to catch up.  This week is going to focus on that.  I do have a test in Psych I am  going to study for tomorrow.  The rest of the week is going to be dedicated to the other class.  At work, I am going to be working on getting the totals for the FEMA reimbursement.  Let’s hope that goes smoothly.

Robert is doing much better.  I don’t think he is coming back as soon as he wants to–he wants to be back next week, but I agree with his doctor.  He needs time to recover and rest, and since he had had his heart attack when he was stationary and not doing anything active, there is more reason for concern.  I just want him better.  At this point, I am feeling like a lousy friend.  I haven’t seen him since the day he had the attack, and I know I need to.  Besides being super busy, I am scared…I hate thinking of the what ifs, and seeing it for myself…I want to know he’s ok, but, well, I have a fear that things are going to change when he gets back.  I don’t know what is going to happen with our job, and that scares me.  There’s plenty I am nervous about, and I know I am avoiding, hiding.  I am not telling him all that I want to tell him (problems and such) because I don’t want him to worry or cause undue stress.  Instead, I am keeping it to myself–there really isn’t anyone else to lean on–and it’s getting harder and harder.

Ok, time to turn in…I will try to be on time next week!!  I hope that all of this levels out soon!!  When I get the slippers finished, I will start taking pictures of the Christmas presents.  Hope all have a good week!!

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I found a cute blog that I want to start using here.  It’s called Friday Fill-Ins.  However…last night was a bit busy with the trick or treat-ers, so I will do the first one now!  Then on to new news!!
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1. My favorite food seasoning is _salt.  Simple and basic_.
2. _”Time to go to knitting circle!!”_ is music to my ears.
3. Lucky is _being blessed with what you need_.
4. _My job, which I love, and knitting, which I also love,_ is something I take very seriously.
5. Many people _depend on me_.
6. _Halloween candy_ was the last thing I bought at the store.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to _the cookout with my neighbors_, tomorrow my plans include _writing my articulation statement and knitting Christmas gifts_ and I want to _make a dent in writing my portfolio_!

Onto other things…

My friend Alexis was so wonderful as to introduce me to a great group of women–a knitting circle that happens to be close to my home!  So now, every Thursday, I am forunate enough to sit around with women (and one man, actually) who all enjoy doing the same thing I do.  There are a few loom knitters, but most are traditional knitters and crocheters.  It’s really nice to get away from home and homework and work and just be. 

I am also still happily working for the university, although only down to “student worker” since I am currently attending classes again.  It’s actually a good thing that I had reduced hours since school is taking up a lot of time.  But I did start applying for new jobs that are also at the university, just not doing what I am doing now.  My first interview is tomorrow with safe schools, and I really doubt that I will get it.  Mainly because I know that they already have someone in a temp position there, and most likely they will get the job.  It’s no big deal really…the money is good, but there is a lot of travel.  So I can go either way.  I also applied in several departments for the administrative assistant II positions, and do have a great chance.  I just really want something more…not being full time is really beginning to hurt, especially knowing that Christmas is right around the corner and we have the boys.  Plus benefits…since I quit the other job, I have been without benefits.  Student workers don’t qualify.  I have hope tho!

I did design a new pattern.  For once, I have decided to sell it.  I also have many other ideas for patterns, and now just have to figure out how to knit them and get it on paper.  Here’s a picture of my design:

Just excited!!! 
Anyway, that’s the latest, and hopefully I will begin to keep up with posting here again.  Many thanks to Bethany for helping with my edits!! *hugs*

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