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Posts Tagged ‘anniversary’

Ten years ago, I was the victim of sexual assault.  Adding insult to injury, the rapist was a “close” friend that I trusted.  I don’t believe that I am a “survivor,” as the women’s centers and other agencies are so fond of labeling it.  I say victim for a reason.  I didn’t choose for this to happen to me, nor did I choose to survive the incident.  After it happened, “surviving” was the last thing I wanted to do.

The night after the assault, I sat outside of my dorm with my RA trying to get me to talk about what was bothering me.  I wouldn’t, couldn’t.  A police cruiser pulled up a bit later; an officer got out and waved to my RA.  When he walked over to us and looked at me, I don’t know what happened–all I know is I knew in my heart that this officer was special, and I knew I could trust him with my story and would be safe.  I stood up, ran to him, threw my arms around his neck, and began to cry uncontrollably.  He ushered me into his car and drove around for the rest of the night.  I told him everything.  He listened with a compassion and sympathy that I didn’t know anyone could possess.  The one condition that I stipulated was that he was to tell no one, not to report it, just to keep it between us.  I had to go through the rest of the semester sitting next to this “friend,” my now rapist, assigned seating in two classes.  I was too ashamed and scared to do anything more than talk it out with my officer; no way did I feelcapable of handling filing charges and facing anyone else for fear of judgement.  My own feelings of disgrace, disgust, shame, fear, disappointment, lonliness, anxiety, mistrust….it was a lot to deal with.

Helping me, much to my surprise, was the kind officer.  He stood by me, there to listen at any time of day or night, always making sure that I was ok.  If I went out, he was there to pick me up.  If I was down, he was there to make me laugh.  If I was beating myself up and tearing myself down about what I could have/should have/would have done, he was there to make sure that I knew it was not my fault, and that despite what happened, I was alive and lived through a horrible ordeal.  It did take years for me to come to terms with that, and he was still there…and still is. 

People don’t know how to handle a rape victim.  It is hard to know what to say, how to act, even what jokes are appropriate around them.  Family members feel guilty for not being able to protect them.  Friends don’t know what to say to help ease the pain.  And the victim…feels alone, vulnerable, and has guilt of their own.  Most officers feel the same, and the victim is passed to doctors and counselors and victim services.  Again, there is no blame; they have a job, and once it is done the next professional steps in to pick up where they left off.  What happened with me was rare.  After 10 years, this officer, now a sergeant, is my best friend.  I also work for him at the police department in emergency management.

I owe so much to my sergeant.  Mostly, I owe him my life.  If I hadn’t had him there beside me, I don’t think I would have made it.  Through the years, he continued to be there for me.  My highs were his highs, my lows were his lows.  And vice versa.  I learned to trust again, and I learned that there is someone out there who cares about me.  I can never thank him enough.  How do you put a price on friendship?  On trust?  On life?  You can’t.  He gave me a reason for living.  I might not be able to pay him back for that, but I will spend the rest of my life trying.

So Robert, thank you for everything.  I wouldn’t be here without you.

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Ok, I have started writing this post at least three times in the last two weeks.  And every time I start, I get distracted…guess I should just sit and focus.  Yeah, right!!  I think this time it will work since right now I am giving my new computer a test drive!  So far, I love it!

That’s one of the big things that happened in the last few weeks.  It’s been nuts, really, but then again, who’s life isn’t?  I have found that I am getting back into the old habit of taking on too much and not being able to finish anything in a timely manner.  I should have finished my grandmother’s blanket by now, but new yarn and new looms (will get to that!!) have had me hooked on doing new things and new projects with new stitches and new designs never before attempted!  After that realization, I sat down and pieced together what I did have done, and now I only have to finish the last panel and stitch it to the rest of the blanket.  I feel a bit better about that, but still–need to get it done so I can take it out to her!!  Her birthday was over a month ago!!

As for the new looms–I am so excited that my DA looms finally came in about a week and a half ago!!  It was right after hubby got home from his stay in Iowa (not an easy time while he was gone, but I had wonderful people to talk to!!).  I had ordered a 30″ small gauge AJAL and the adult and child mitten loom sets with thumb looms in the fine gauge.  Of course I started on them immediately, and have cranked out several socks–a first time for making them!  The best anniversary present ever.  To anyone who doesn’t have these looms:  I highly recommend them.  They are well worth the money and the wait, and I can’t wait to get more.  The looms are very well made, and are just incredible.  A total joy to work on.  To see them, go to www.dalooms.com and check them out!! 

For those keeping up with the pregnancy mission, we are at a standstill right now.  I am still waiting to see if my cycle will start, but so far, nothing.  Thought it was about to, but now signs yet!!  Already I have taken three pregnancy tests, but all have come back a BFN (big fat negative).  Today I met with another doctor.  This one is for pain managment, and #4 of the doctors that are trying to help get me preggers (GP, OB/GYN, endocrinologist, and now pain management).  Why would I go to a pain management doctor?  Simple.  I have arthritis in my knees, hips, and left wrist.  All quite painful, especially this time of year.  Yes, I am only 28, but I have had it since I was 17.  The OB didn’t want to write the prescription for pain meds, but I can’t continue taking the arthritis meds since it will harm the baby when we do get pg.  After going back and forth with the other two docs, we all came to an agreement to start pain management.  My new doc started me back on pain meds, and next week I start injections in my knees of steroids to see if it will help and lessen the necessity of the drugs.  I am all for it–the scary part is that they will be knocking me out to give the shot since it will last from 5-10 minutes.  OUCH.  Thank goodness hubby has all week off next week and will be able to take me to do it.  The down side?  The boys (my stepsons) will be here for that week, and I am not going to be my best towards the end of the week.  But they will be super busy–visiting family, several playdates, two egg hunts, and Easter.  Anyway, hubby is positive we will be pregnant by summertime.  I hope so…this is not an easy path.

Last but not least, there is today.  It is our two year wedding anniversary!!  Mom and Dad are coming out here and we are all going to go to dinner.  I am so excited!!  It’s going to be a great day, and hubby has even taken half the day off.  *grins*  Can’t believe it has been two years.  It seems longer, and yet shorter, at the same time.

I will post pictures of all that I have talked about next time.  Hopefully tomorrow.  With the new computer, I am going to have to transfer the pics or get on the laptop.  And on that note…off to finish cleaning the house, and then get ready for dinner!

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