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Posts Tagged ‘abuse’

The dreaded D

Yep, I have been out of touch for awhile.  There has been a lot on my plate to deal with, and I haven’t been dealing with it very well.  Down 20 pounds, and really can’t afford to lose the weight (down to 100), plus the addition of two anxiety meds as well as my pain meds being increased.  But  there is some good news to go along with all of this.  Seeing as most people ask for bad news first, we’ll start there.

As most know, I have been married for almost four years.  I am wife number three.  I have two stepsons, the oldest I have been around since he was five and the youngest since he was 8 months old.  I tried to be the best stepmom ever, trying harder to make a stable environment with structure and love.  For my youngest, it was easy, as he didn’t know any different from having two moms and a dad.  For my oldest, it was harder–he knew what it was like when his parents were married, and now there was someone new that he had to treat like a mom.  It has gone ok, but there have been problems.  Mostly the problems come from my marriage, though.

My husband is not a nice person.  For years I have blamed his father for that; he is a horrible man that is very verbally abusive.  My husband has always said he does not want to be like his father, but sadly he is just like him.  He has no patience, a very volitile temper, and is miserable–never happy unless everyone around him is miserable, too.  It has gotten worse as the years have gone by, and I have finally reached my breaking point.  I teach the cycle of abuse, as mentioned in my last post.  Just like almost every other victim, I made excuses all the time for his behavior, always saying he will change, saying that he is sorry after he treats me so badly and does all he can to make it up.  Towards the middle of October, that changed.  He said things that I won’t forget, and won’t make excuses for.  Things like he hates me, doesn’t like me, isn’t attracted to me, that I am a waste of space, the most cruel person he knows, a bitch, etc.  I realized then that when he goes on rants like that, I cry and beg for another chance, saying I will be better.  It took me a few years, but I realize now that it isn’t me.  I will say there is a small part–very small–that is me and my personality, but not enough to trigger this amount of extreme hatred.  After looking at this from a perspective of someone investigating a domestic abuse situation rather than from the first person point of view, several things popped out.  His past with his dysfunctional family.  The fact he had two previous wives.  The switching of personality, from happy and nice hubby to the mean and cruel man.  I can say from a psychological point of view that he has a high probability of being bipolar and hates women.  But like most abusers (not all, but most), no one thinks he is capable of being what I say he is.  They see him as a laid back, super nice guy that would go out of his way to help someone.  To someone’s face, he is that. But as soon as the person is out of earshot, he will tear them apart. 

To make a long story shorter (because this post is already long, and only going to get longer), I finally told my parents what was going on, something he thinks I would never do (my parents are not fond of divorce–but they love me, and always support my decisions).  Both agreed that I need to get a divorce.  That’s when things really got rolling.  It was going to wait until January, but got pushed up because he made a threat.  All the paperwork is now done, and just waiting to give it to him.  I don’t want any more conflict; I just want (and need) out. He still doesn’t know, and won’t know until the day it happens.  *sigh*  This all happens tomorrow.  I am stressed and scared, but thankful that my friends and family have been so supportive.  I don’t know what I would have done without them.  Thank you to all who have listened–I really appreciate it.  🙂

Ok, on to the good news.  My friend Sam and his wife had their baby last week!  I finally had finished the blanket for them and it made it there in time.  🙂  It was the color of the nursery–something I hadn’t planned–so that was good luck, too!!  Sam posted some pictures, and I was so thrilled to see baby Jack wrapped in the blanket I made at the hospital! 

Baby Jack's blanket--finally finished!!

I was honored that they brought it with them, and so happy that it has found such a loving home. 

Over the past year and two months, my department has been planning a conference for the Texas Association of College and University Police Administrators (TACUPA).  At first, I didn’t understand why on earth we were starting the planning so early.  By the time that the conference rolled around, I completely understood.  No matter how much we planned, there were still things that went wrong.  We were able to keep most of it hidden, and we were all proud of that.  But I will write another post about the conference…under the emergency management tab.  🙂  Hopefully I can get that done today, too!!

Until later, hope everyone has a happy holidays!!  Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, and continues to be there for me.  I am very blessed to have such wonderful friends. One more day…and hopefully things go smoothly.  Wish me luck.  🙂

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Have you ever noticed that life is full of cycles?  I am sure everyone has–moon cycles, women being graced with their cycles, life cycles…abuse cycles.

At work, I also teach.  It is not in my job description, but it is something I do for ME.  I know I have talked about it before, but I go to freshman classes on the campus and talk about emergency management, personal safety and sexual assault.  Lately, I have added H1N1 to my topics to talk about, mostly because the university is sitting at about a 10% absenteeism at this point (and flu season in Texas hasn’t technically started–it isn’t supposed to start til January and go through March).  I bring this up because people who have gone through a traumatic event such as rape have the tendency to get into a cycle of their own.  Some get into a cycle remembering–I know that I go through a point every year for about a month where my nerves are frayed and am plagued with nightmares of my rape around the anniversary, but other times I am ok unless there is a trigger.  Then the cycle begins again for a bit.  Others get into a cycle of abuse.  I am not saying by any means that it is on purpose, it’s just something that happens.  Some may end of finding people in their lives who keep them feeling like they did before–with no choices, the bottom of the bottom, not worth the attention of anyone except the one they are with.  Those are the ones who are good–really good–at making excuses.  Excuses for bruises, for moods, for crying, and especially excuses for their significant other’s behavior.  It becomes ingrained, because it is beaten in (verbally and/or physically) that the victim “deserves” what they are getting. 

Anyway, every semester I come across 2-4 students that have had something happen to them, and are looking for some sort of support.  I am more than happy to help out, especially since I was very fortunate to have support when it happened to me.  By telling my story to these students, it raises awareness and also shows those who have been victims that they are not alone.  Over 1000 have heard my story, and I don’t plan on stopping.  But recently I came across a cycle of someone who is very important to me.  She is married, and he is verbally abusive.  She has always made excuses for his behavior, and finally she realized what she was doing.  There’s usually a breaking point, and I believe she finally hit hers.  I am happy that she figured it out, and happier yet that she is going to leave him.  It isn’t happening now, but she has planning to do.  Considering he is in the “nice” and “apologetic” phase of the cycle, she is pretty confident that for now there is nothing to worry about–and he has never hit her, so that is also a good thing.  However, if there were to be a turn and he goes back to being mean and cruel, she is prepared to leave.  I know how hard it is, and I am so proud of her.  🙂

Another cycle–life.  A very close friend of mine, Sam, and his wife are expecting a baby boy in December.  Wonderful news for them, and he is so excited!  🙂  I am thrilled for them.  Being a first time father, Sam is nervous and excited.  I have been working since this summer on a blanket for them, another pinwheel, but all I have left is the edging–it is so repetitive, I can’t do it for long stretches of time.  360 rows of garter stitch…ug.  The blanket is beautiful and soft, and I REALLY need to get it done.  December is not that far away!!!

As for my cycle–I know I have been talking about getting pregnant for months, and all the trials and bumps that I have been going through.  The cyst in August led to the diagnosis of PCOS in September, and this month ruptured two more.  I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I am just going to not be a mom in the biological sense.  It is sad, and I wish differently, but there isn’t much for me to do otherwise.  Maybe sometime down the road when IVF becomes affordable.  🙂  I am not going to let it get me down, tho.  If it is meant to happen, it will.  But I am stopping the fertility drugs–I don’t know if that is what is causing the cysts to rupture.  Besides, the hot flashes are terrible on those meds!!

I do want to get back into the cycle of my loom knitting.  I have some awesome new looms I got for my birthday that I need to work on–I want to have a blanket knitted for my cousin when she marries in January, but I don’t know if I am going to get that done.  In my defense, I have started it.  Afghans are just so BIG, and I don’t have the time to just sit and knit.  I need to make the time, as I am sure that it will do wonders for relaxation and destressing a bit.  🙂  The past few weeks have been pretty stressful, and I need a break.

DH has been feeling bad for quite some time, getting hospitalized in the beginning of Sept.  He thought it was a heart attack (his best friend of 36 years had just died of one at age 39), but it turned out to be gallstones.  He postponed the surgery up until last week–the pain had been getting worse with the progression of time.  Sure enough, it was really bad, but he got through the surgery just fine last Thursday.  He’s off until next Monday, but will go back to work with limited duties.  He was going to have the surgery that Monday (10/19), but I was not going to be able to make it since I had a job interview….

Yep, another job interview.  No, it wasn’t because I was unhappy with my current job.  Actually Chief was the one who sent me the notice for the job opening (it is still a university job).  I was reluctant to apply for several reasons–I love working for the PD (not to metion, I wanted to work for them for 10 years before I got hired), I love working with my partner (slash best friend), and I love what I do.  No, it isn’t the highest paying job, but I do love it.  The new job, however, is my job plus…I would be travelling to other universities and teaching them how to do what I do.  I would also have a new partner, also from law enforcement.  It is three to four times what I am making now, 50%+ overnight travel, and all about higher education emergency management.  I talked to DH first to see what he thought, and he said it would be extremely stupid to pass up this opportunity.  Then, I reluctantly brought it up to Robert.  I was scared of his reaction, but he took it well–and wrote a letter of recommendation.  Chief also wrote one, as did the county emergency management coordinator and the vice president of my division.  I applied.  And on the 9th, I got a phone call to schedule my interview.  I was SO excited!!  I was getting my hair cut, so it wasn’t an opportune time to bounce around, but inside I was doing a happy dance.  I had 10 days to prepare.

You see, I had to do a 5-7 minute powerpoint presentation in front of the hiring board.  THAT had me scared.  I knew the people over in the department I was applying at, and some are quite intimidating.  So those 10 days I worked and researched and put together what I thought was a really good presentation (it could be over either public safety or higher education emergency management–I chose EM).  I went to the interview, and prepared for it by making packets for the board (usually 5-7 people) containing my FEMA and other EM certificates, copies of my letters of recommendation, copy of my resume and cover letter, and a copy of my powerpoint presentation so they could take notes.  I thought it was reasonable.  So I was pretty surprised when there were only three people on the board, two of which I knew and have worked with many times in the past two years.  After doing some catching up, I passed out the packets and got ready for the questions.  However, only two minutes into the questions, the power went out.  A very loud beeping came from the exit signs, which seriously threw me off for a few minutes.  We did continue the interview in the dark (mostly, had some light from a window), and I think I did pretty good for the questions.  Then it was time for my presentation, but we still had no power.  Kinda hard to do a computer presentation when there is no power.  🙂  They were going to cut the interview short and have my come back later when there was power, but I remembered that I had printed out the presentation and could do it from my handouts.  They were very impressed, as it showed that I was more than prepared for anything that could happen.  I did my presentation, did it in the time allowed, but still had some disappointment since I wasn’t able to show off my presentation.  I did end up emailing it to one of the board, so eventually they did see it.  As for now, I am in a holding position.  I don’t know anything at this point, but I do know they submitted the name on Monday.  It’s in committee.  HOPING to know by Friday.  They want this position–and the partner position–to begin on November 15.  Crossing my fingers!!! 

Ok…guess I have rambled long enough…happy almost Thursday, everyone!!

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