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Archive for December, 2009

Well, last Friday was the big day.  Everyone got to the house right before 7am.  Mom brought donuts and I made coffee.  I was surprised that we had two people that were not expected to help show up, but it was a huge help to have them.  I was so thankful and grateful to have everyone there–a total of 9 of us–to get me packed and moved out.  I wasn’t able to pack anything before hand, so it was just starting from scratch.  We managed to do it in about four and a half hours, which was really surprising to me.  We had to get a larger storage unit, but it worked out.  The downside–where I am now, there is not a lot of space for me yet.  There will be in February when I will begin living alone here (about mid month unless they complete the room faster), but for now, I am pretty cramped.  Which means I had to leave a lot in storage–including the majority of my yarn and looms.  I did keep some out to help with the stress and to finish some of the projects I need to get done.  It is still a huge adjustment, and the dogs are finally beginning to feel a bit more at home.  I know that it is going to take me longer, but thankfully I am on vacation til the first week of January.  I really don’t think I could have done this while I was in school and at work.  It has been an emotional rollercoaster, one that I really want to end.   He hasn’t made it easy by any means, and I guess it is partly my fault since I keep answering his texts.  Eventually–soon–I am going to have to draw the line and tell him to stop. or just stop answering. 

The hardest part has been the boys.  I have had my troubles with my oldest stepson, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.  I miss him dearly.  My youngest–well, he doesn’t know yet.  The ex has just told him that I am away for work.  My oldest thinks it is his fault, and I told the ex it is HIS job to reassure him and not let him think that way.  He said he did…and then promptly sent them to their grandmother’s house (his ex’s mother) since I wasn’t going to be there to babysit for the week (he isn’t off til Thursday afternoon).  So far, so good–he hasn’t had them call me.  That I don’t think I could handle.

More things have happened since I left, particuarly on Wednesday.  It isn’t going to be nice anymore–I thought that this could be civil.  Due to the events, I am not going to write too much about them, but it boils down to him about to get into a lot of trouble if he doesn’t stop bothering me and saying things he won’t be able to back up.

However, there have been some wonderful people in the last almost week that have helped immensely with my transition, along with the dogs.  They are happy in the new yard–Izzy discovered her first squirrel, and just wants to play, but the squirrel just threw sticks and stuff at her.  I have never seen my 60lb dog stand on her back legs and walk, but she was so funny when she did it.  🙂  I have found that she is scared of elderly people and doesn’t like one of my uncles.  Trooper is doing better, and actually warming up to people faster than Izzy is–Izzy is usually the really friendly one and has no problem with anyone.  I guess it is just the change.  Hopefully soon things will be back to somewhat normal, and life can go on .

Although limited in my supplies, I did manage to rescue a few of my looming projects from before it was all stored.  I finished a scarf yesterday, and will be working on another today–late Christmas presents.  After I get batteries (and yes, I am thinking about braving the grocery store on Christmas Eve) I will take pictures so I can post.  It is an extremely basic scarf, same and the one I am knitting now, so nothing too major.  The “major” project is working on a bandage, but I keep getting frustrated with the small stitches.  I keep telling myself I need to do it, as it is for charity.  New charity for the new year.

Happy holidays everyone, and hope that you have a wonderful and merry time with your loved ones.  🙂

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The dreaded D

Yep, I have been out of touch for awhile.  There has been a lot on my plate to deal with, and I haven’t been dealing with it very well.  Down 20 pounds, and really can’t afford to lose the weight (down to 100), plus the addition of two anxiety meds as well as my pain meds being increased.  But  there is some good news to go along with all of this.  Seeing as most people ask for bad news first, we’ll start there.

As most know, I have been married for almost four years.  I am wife number three.  I have two stepsons, the oldest I have been around since he was five and the youngest since he was 8 months old.  I tried to be the best stepmom ever, trying harder to make a stable environment with structure and love.  For my youngest, it was easy, as he didn’t know any different from having two moms and a dad.  For my oldest, it was harder–he knew what it was like when his parents were married, and now there was someone new that he had to treat like a mom.  It has gone ok, but there have been problems.  Mostly the problems come from my marriage, though.

My husband is not a nice person.  For years I have blamed his father for that; he is a horrible man that is very verbally abusive.  My husband has always said he does not want to be like his father, but sadly he is just like him.  He has no patience, a very volitile temper, and is miserable–never happy unless everyone around him is miserable, too.  It has gotten worse as the years have gone by, and I have finally reached my breaking point.  I teach the cycle of abuse, as mentioned in my last post.  Just like almost every other victim, I made excuses all the time for his behavior, always saying he will change, saying that he is sorry after he treats me so badly and does all he can to make it up.  Towards the middle of October, that changed.  He said things that I won’t forget, and won’t make excuses for.  Things like he hates me, doesn’t like me, isn’t attracted to me, that I am a waste of space, the most cruel person he knows, a bitch, etc.  I realized then that when he goes on rants like that, I cry and beg for another chance, saying I will be better.  It took me a few years, but I realize now that it isn’t me.  I will say there is a small part–very small–that is me and my personality, but not enough to trigger this amount of extreme hatred.  After looking at this from a perspective of someone investigating a domestic abuse situation rather than from the first person point of view, several things popped out.  His past with his dysfunctional family.  The fact he had two previous wives.  The switching of personality, from happy and nice hubby to the mean and cruel man.  I can say from a psychological point of view that he has a high probability of being bipolar and hates women.  But like most abusers (not all, but most), no one thinks he is capable of being what I say he is.  They see him as a laid back, super nice guy that would go out of his way to help someone.  To someone’s face, he is that. But as soon as the person is out of earshot, he will tear them apart. 

To make a long story shorter (because this post is already long, and only going to get longer), I finally told my parents what was going on, something he thinks I would never do (my parents are not fond of divorce–but they love me, and always support my decisions).  Both agreed that I need to get a divorce.  That’s when things really got rolling.  It was going to wait until January, but got pushed up because he made a threat.  All the paperwork is now done, and just waiting to give it to him.  I don’t want any more conflict; I just want (and need) out. He still doesn’t know, and won’t know until the day it happens.  *sigh*  This all happens tomorrow.  I am stressed and scared, but thankful that my friends and family have been so supportive.  I don’t know what I would have done without them.  Thank you to all who have listened–I really appreciate it.  🙂

Ok, on to the good news.  My friend Sam and his wife had their baby last week!  I finally had finished the blanket for them and it made it there in time.  🙂  It was the color of the nursery–something I hadn’t planned–so that was good luck, too!!  Sam posted some pictures, and I was so thrilled to see baby Jack wrapped in the blanket I made at the hospital! 

Baby Jack's blanket--finally finished!!

I was honored that they brought it with them, and so happy that it has found such a loving home. 

Over the past year and two months, my department has been planning a conference for the Texas Association of College and University Police Administrators (TACUPA).  At first, I didn’t understand why on earth we were starting the planning so early.  By the time that the conference rolled around, I completely understood.  No matter how much we planned, there were still things that went wrong.  We were able to keep most of it hidden, and we were all proud of that.  But I will write another post about the conference…under the emergency management tab.  🙂  Hopefully I can get that done today, too!!

Until later, hope everyone has a happy holidays!!  Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, and continues to be there for me.  I am very blessed to have such wonderful friends. One more day…and hopefully things go smoothly.  Wish me luck.  🙂

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